Those that know me know that I'm on a political bender like no other this year. Here on the cusp of the first debate, I feel as if I'm about to watch a boxing match between good and evil. My face is flushed, my heart is racing, and I have personal stake in what goes down tonight. For tonight, I can begin to see if this county is as naive and blind as I was when I fell for a Narcissist. For now that I intimately know the signs of emotional manipulation, I can never fall prey to it again, but before I gained that knowledge, I was in denial that true evil existed.
I squirm in discomfort with my stomach tied in knots as I am faced with the stark and sickening reality that there are millions of people buying it, and that I may soon be living the reality of having a president who is the poster child of Histrionic Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which by the way is 100% overt, unlike covert narcissism which is much harder to detect as the sufferer adopts a woe-is-me persona instead of the bombastic, literally believes he can do no wrong, Trump.)
Although you have no idea that my misgivings have NOTHING to do with actual politics, it scares me to death that men say to me, "But her eeeeemails." You are turning a blind eye to the evil that confronts you. What Hillary did was not evil. Turning an entire country against an entire religious group, with many members that live in our country, is fucking evil. The old white male fuckers of this country are so afraid of a religion that they want to vote a hateful, selfish human being into the highest office of our country. I'm sure there's still even a group that balks at the idea of a woman being president.
I know in the long term, as the torch is passed to the millennials, and the bigots of yesteryear die off, we will begin to know peace and harmony in unprecedented ways across global borders. The internet is turning the world into one gigantic neighborhood, and I have faith in today's youth. They know about sustainable agriculture, eating locally, renewable resources, and are not afraid to implement them.
In the meantime, let's try not to be ruled by hate and closed-mindedness to the extent that we vote in the most ridiculous caricature of the bigoted, woman-hating republican. That will forever cast a shadow on those that embrace that party for what it actually stands for: the protection of the constitution and the freedom of the people of the people in this country. In that sense, Trump is not even a true Republican. He wants the freedom to abuse his power for wealth. He does not care about the freedom of anyone else, and will not be able to do anything to effectively and adequately protect it. The fear mongering he is promoting is the kind that leads to concentration camps where people of a certain group are denied basic human rights, for no other reason then suspicion.
We are not a country of white Christians. The leader of this country needs to be able to take into consideration every single member of his/her constituency. This includes those with mental illness, military related mental and physical health issues, people of all ethnicities and religions,
not just those that are able to build humongous, wealthy companies.
I guess my bottom line is that no matter what her misdeeds have been, I believe Hillary to be a "normal" human being capable of empathy, especially when she has to make the hard choices, nor does she fit the profile of a disordered person. Trump, however, appears to be suffering from a disorder created by a lack of empathy. If he cannot mentally project himself into someone else's situation, how is he to solve the problems of anyone but himself?
I have trusted many men like this in the past, and every single one has acted in the same manner. A narcissist will lure you in, treat you like crap, and then blame you for their abuse. When I listen to the words coming out of Trump's mouth, it sounds like echoes of the bullshit my abuser used to feed to me to get me to bend to his will, to intimidate me, to silence me, to put up no resistance to his increasingly fucked up behavior. Many liken it to the frog in a pot, slowly brought to boil, oblivious to his fate.
The best advice I can give to you is trust actions, not words, keep your eyes peeled for projection and misdirection. If you can, look the the subject and verb in relation to Trump's answers given to specific questions. MAKE SURE HE IS MAKING SENTENCES and not just vomiting up words in various arrays that he know gains applause. You know the ones, "The wall! Mexico will pay for it! Crooked Hillary!" Mentally filter all that out and listen to the words he says that are on point...if there are any.
Don't fall prey to a con man. That shit already fucked up four years of my life, I can't afford four more.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Friday, June 17, 2016
Happy Father's Day
Baby W,
I just now got word of your impending arrival. In about three months from now, you will make your cherubic appearance, and your Grandparents will be enraptured by you. I wish I could be gladdened at the news of your existence, but the wheel of time reveals to me a most troubled future for you, for I have already walked more than a mile in your shoes. I have marched in them for the last 34 years.
For a child begat of the union of an empath and a narcissist, there are truly only two ways your future can unfurl. You may be saved by your mother. She has the strength of will and heart to ensure that you do not follow in the footsteps of your Narcissistic father. This is assuming that she is able to remain whole as she stands up against him. For someday, she will see the crack in his facade, and her reality will crumble. Her middle class, comfortable life, the nice house, the nice car, the comfort of having a man in the house, eventually, she will have to give all of that up to save herself and hopefully, to save you.
For soon, your father will realize that you are the reason he is no longer number one in your mother's eyes. He will seek attention from other women, as he always has. His workplace is rife with them. Your mother at first will believe the stories about working late, tutoring those who need special one-on-one time with teacher, endless amounts of "band practice," but someday something will happen that will be so atrocious, that she can no longer look the other way.
Perhaps he will slip her a sleeping pill, because she has been sexually aloof of late, or better yet, just take her in her sleep with no protection, ensuring more bastard children. Maybe he will seduce a coworker and try to coerce your mother into a threesome, because nothing says wholesome, loving family like group sex with your co-worker while your child plays with her children in the other room. May God protect you from your father should he resort to taking his sexual frustrations out on you.
When that day finally comes, it will be up to your mother to save you, because no one will believe your stories, your trauma. Your friends will chant, "But your dad is the cooooolest! How could he be a dick? You must be exaggerating!" His coworkers will think he is the bee's knees. Even his new wife and step-daughters will be cheering him on as a stand-up citizen, while you know in your heart what the man is like in the privacy of his own home.
It was ultimately the will of my mother, her attentive doting on me, her knowledge of my shortcomings (disabilities), and her insistence that I overcome them that formed who I am today. Had I taken after my father...
Let me say it this way: Narcissists are not born. They are created. This personality disorder develops as a survival mechanism in people that have no true "self" as a result of either over or under-parenting. What I'm telling you is, that should your father raise you alone, you will almost undoubtedly end up like him. That will be your defense to his soullessness. When you look into his eyes, you will only remember the man that rages in the privacy of the home. Your friends (and especially their mothers) will think he is the coolest dad that ever existed, while your rage burns under the surface against all the injustices and neglect you suffer at his hands. He expects you to be a physical extension of himself. He doesn't understand that you are a unique person with desires and wants not in alignment with his own.
God help you if you are a girl. Someday in your adulthood, you will have perspective on what a 12 year old girl should and SHOULD NOT look like to a 40 year old male, especially one that is her own father. If your mother does not protect you, and spell out for you how wrong these things are, you will come of age already objectifying yourself in a way that will take years (...decades?) to heal.
I know your mother will adore you. I have no doubt about that. My question is, will she have the strength to fight for you when the time comes? The doubts cast upon my soul in my time of trial were more intense than anything I could have imagined. I still have recurring neurological discomfort in the base of my skull as a reminder of a bout of Bell's Palsy three year ago, brought on by the psychological abuse of your father. Whenever I think about him, the back of my skull begins to throb, reminding me of all those times he lied his face off to me, and I just believed it without question. It's a physical, VISCERAL reminder of what a two-faced demon he is.
I honestly wish you the best of luck. This is so obviously a stacked deck. Baby W, I assure you that I didn't turn out so bad. I've actually found a way to make peace with why your father is the way he is, and why your mother protects him so fiercely. Someday, I will find a way to make peace with you, hopefully when I see your mother step up to be the fierce lioness I know she is, protecting her cub with all her might. Hopefully, I will see my own mother in her, and forgive her everything, and I will be able to wholeheartedly cheer you both on as you tackle this life together.
Love,
D
I just now got word of your impending arrival. In about three months from now, you will make your cherubic appearance, and your Grandparents will be enraptured by you. I wish I could be gladdened at the news of your existence, but the wheel of time reveals to me a most troubled future for you, for I have already walked more than a mile in your shoes. I have marched in them for the last 34 years.
For a child begat of the union of an empath and a narcissist, there are truly only two ways your future can unfurl. You may be saved by your mother. She has the strength of will and heart to ensure that you do not follow in the footsteps of your Narcissistic father. This is assuming that she is able to remain whole as she stands up against him. For someday, she will see the crack in his facade, and her reality will crumble. Her middle class, comfortable life, the nice house, the nice car, the comfort of having a man in the house, eventually, she will have to give all of that up to save herself and hopefully, to save you.
For soon, your father will realize that you are the reason he is no longer number one in your mother's eyes. He will seek attention from other women, as he always has. His workplace is rife with them. Your mother at first will believe the stories about working late, tutoring those who need special one-on-one time with teacher, endless amounts of "band practice," but someday something will happen that will be so atrocious, that she can no longer look the other way.
Perhaps he will slip her a sleeping pill, because she has been sexually aloof of late, or better yet, just take her in her sleep with no protection, ensuring more bastard children. Maybe he will seduce a coworker and try to coerce your mother into a threesome, because nothing says wholesome, loving family like group sex with your co-worker while your child plays with her children in the other room. May God protect you from your father should he resort to taking his sexual frustrations out on you.
When that day finally comes, it will be up to your mother to save you, because no one will believe your stories, your trauma. Your friends will chant, "But your dad is the cooooolest! How could he be a dick? You must be exaggerating!" His coworkers will think he is the bee's knees. Even his new wife and step-daughters will be cheering him on as a stand-up citizen, while you know in your heart what the man is like in the privacy of his own home.
It was ultimately the will of my mother, her attentive doting on me, her knowledge of my shortcomings (disabilities), and her insistence that I overcome them that formed who I am today. Had I taken after my father...
Let me say it this way: Narcissists are not born. They are created. This personality disorder develops as a survival mechanism in people that have no true "self" as a result of either over or under-parenting. What I'm telling you is, that should your father raise you alone, you will almost undoubtedly end up like him. That will be your defense to his soullessness. When you look into his eyes, you will only remember the man that rages in the privacy of the home. Your friends (and especially their mothers) will think he is the coolest dad that ever existed, while your rage burns under the surface against all the injustices and neglect you suffer at his hands. He expects you to be a physical extension of himself. He doesn't understand that you are a unique person with desires and wants not in alignment with his own.
God help you if you are a girl. Someday in your adulthood, you will have perspective on what a 12 year old girl should and SHOULD NOT look like to a 40 year old male, especially one that is her own father. If your mother does not protect you, and spell out for you how wrong these things are, you will come of age already objectifying yourself in a way that will take years (...decades?) to heal.
I know your mother will adore you. I have no doubt about that. My question is, will she have the strength to fight for you when the time comes? The doubts cast upon my soul in my time of trial were more intense than anything I could have imagined. I still have recurring neurological discomfort in the base of my skull as a reminder of a bout of Bell's Palsy three year ago, brought on by the psychological abuse of your father. Whenever I think about him, the back of my skull begins to throb, reminding me of all those times he lied his face off to me, and I just believed it without question. It's a physical, VISCERAL reminder of what a two-faced demon he is.
I honestly wish you the best of luck. This is so obviously a stacked deck. Baby W, I assure you that I didn't turn out so bad. I've actually found a way to make peace with why your father is the way he is, and why your mother protects him so fiercely. Someday, I will find a way to make peace with you, hopefully when I see your mother step up to be the fierce lioness I know she is, protecting her cub with all her might. Hopefully, I will see my own mother in her, and forgive her everything, and I will be able to wholeheartedly cheer you both on as you tackle this life together.
Love,
D
Saturday, May 21, 2016
The Long-Term Aftermath of Abuse
Today, as I stare down the barrel of yet another ending relationship, I wonder if I will ever again be able to feel spiritually joined with another human being. The last time I can recall that feeling was with my abuser, and all of my other memories pale in comparison to that. The thought sickens me. Was I only able to feel that "connection" with M because he lied and acted so well, or was it something that came from me? More importantly, if it came from me, is that bit of my soul still alive? I haven't felt much from it in years. I can feel tenderness. I can feel love in some varieties, but the soul-merging passion that I crave has been lost to me. Some days I have hope that I will share that connection with someone again, but others I fear that "soul mates" doesn't actually exist, and any relationship I pursue will end in a rut of stagnation and misunderstanding.
I'm terrified of being alone again, but the thought of zombie walking through a passionless relationship sounds worse than death. I want my body to awaken. I want my soul to awaken, but now, more than ever I am seeking complete isolation. Again, the fear of perpetual loneliness, of aloneness. I feel myself pulling away from my family and friends, preferring the four walls of my home to the constant scrutiny of others. I'm exhausted just by being out in a world where I feel constantly judged based on my looks, facial expression, gender, disabilities, perceived intelligence, and whatever the fuck else the general public feels like criticizing me over today. It just doesn't seem worth it to keep putting myself out there. At times, I feel ready to quit all my in-person jobs and complete the retreat, but I know I cannot. Not because I need the money as much as I need the people. I know I need you all, but I'm so exhausted just from existing that it's really hard to reach out sometimes.
So, I hang on to my jobs knowing that at the very least, there will be human interaction in my life on a fairly regular basis and try to cling to hope that maybe, maybe some day, someone will speak to my soul again.
I'm terrified of being alone again, but the thought of zombie walking through a passionless relationship sounds worse than death. I want my body to awaken. I want my soul to awaken, but now, more than ever I am seeking complete isolation. Again, the fear of perpetual loneliness, of aloneness. I feel myself pulling away from my family and friends, preferring the four walls of my home to the constant scrutiny of others. I'm exhausted just by being out in a world where I feel constantly judged based on my looks, facial expression, gender, disabilities, perceived intelligence, and whatever the fuck else the general public feels like criticizing me over today. It just doesn't seem worth it to keep putting myself out there. At times, I feel ready to quit all my in-person jobs and complete the retreat, but I know I cannot. Not because I need the money as much as I need the people. I know I need you all, but I'm so exhausted just from existing that it's really hard to reach out sometimes.
So, I hang on to my jobs knowing that at the very least, there will be human interaction in my life on a fairly regular basis and try to cling to hope that maybe, maybe some day, someone will speak to my soul again.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
My Dreams for 2016
I hate the reality that loss and change are part of this human existence. I hate letting go. I hate moving on. I'm a nostalgic person and I want to treasure everything and everyone that crosses my path, even when they turn out to be incompatible with my sanity or spiritual growth. That being said, there are so many things right now that need changing. Things can not stay as they are.
I believe if the humans in this world could take a minute and think long term, so many things will start to fall into place. I read about how we could change the infrastructure of the global energy system and start solving HUGE problems like global warming, which is obviously going to start taking out the struggling and impoverished first, but will eventually come to effect everyone on this planet, either through available land or food scarcity, yet here we are, supporting someone like Donald Trump, who is so focused on building a wall, which will not really do a damned thing to end any sort of suffering.
I'm scared, because I know these are types of things that can not be accomplished alone, yet we're too busy bickering amongst ourselves about whether we should we fear more, Mexicans or transgendered Americans? Maybe violence would decrease if we could create a sustainable energy infrastructure capable of providing food for those that are currently stealing it. Maybe if we pay attention to how many industries are not acting as good stewards to the planet, we could start making a dent in how much damage we are causing.
I'm of the belief that by slowing changing our minds, one by one, we will start to manifest the types of healing changes that are needed to create a sustainable, peaceful, human race, but until we can band together and start electing people that reflect these priorities, I fear we will be seeing a lot more hate and trauma as we target Muslims, transgendered people, Mexicans as scapegoats for our fears. Every time I read a hateful, dehumanizing comment, I am taken back to the depths of my trauma, where I no longer felt human, no longer connected to this race of people, complete in my isolation with nothing but my telephone and Facebook to keep me in touch with the spiritual threads that bind us all.
I used to feel alone in this pain, but now I see how many of you are suffering right there with me, and how many have suffered and survived to become the beautiful, empathetic people you are today. Keep hanging on. Keep dreaming. I know you all are out there, and I'm beginning to feel strong enough to come seek you. I want to share ideas. I want to listen to your dreams. I want to change the world.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
The Windmills of My Mind
These days, when I consider my chaotic mind, I attribute it more to being autistic than being human. Always, in the past I have spoken of the disabling commentary running through my mind and asked, “Does anybody else know how I feel?” and invariably people would chime in that yes, of course they know what I mean.
Now I’m wondering, who of you out there do NOT know what I mean? By you, I mean the presumed “neurotypicals.” Do you exist and who are you? Yes. Seriously. I think I’ve been surrounded by Aspies my entire life and wouldn’t know neurotypical if it bit me in the ass, but I suspect that some of you are actually well-functioning adults. So if you are willing, humor me for a second and read through a sample list of things that go through my mind on one of my “typical days” (and remember that this is going on 24/7 in my brain, and not just once in a while when I have too much caffeine) and let me know if you do not have this type of nonsense rattling around in your mind, and you have no idea what it would be like.
You know…for science, and because it’s cheaper than consulting a psychologist, which is something I plan on doing when I can stop being autistic for a second…which isn’t likely to happen any time soon because grad season is about to start and I never quite have enough spoons for that as it is…
I digress, yet I also prove my point. So, things I have worried about/obsessed over/felt generalized anxiety over TODAY include (well, technically yesterday because it’s now 4am and GOD DAMN IT. This is what I’m talking about. This obsessive attention to detail and need for specificity that drives everyone else BONKERS.)
Also:
- What is going to happen to the kittens that my therapist found under her shed?
- Is my boyfriend’s cat diabetic?
- I haven’t seen random girl from the gym come in with who I assume to be her boyfriend, in awhile. Maybe I should ask her about him so I can give her a pep talk about how hot she is and tell her that she could pick up any guy she wants, because you know, that wouldn’t be awkward at all.
- Does random dude man at the gym find me attractive?
- Does random hot chick at the gym think I’m a doofus?
- Do people assume I’m an idiot when I’m up front about my shortcomings like when I just explain to customers that my short term memory is actually so shitty that they need to remind me to see if the tanning bed ever became available, because SHINY THING.
- What the serious fuck is going to happen in this country if Trump wins the general election?
- How can anyone in the world confuse a transexual with a pervert? People undergoing that dramatic of a personal transformation have got what’s going on with THEMSELVES on their mind, obviously. These are not the people to be feared.
- How is this planet going to heal itself in time for our survival if we don’t do anything en masse to help it along?
- Will I be able to muster up the willpower to brave the grocery store before I start running on a more horrific calorie depletion than I did today?
- Will I ever be able to save up a down payment on a house if I don’t have a man to rely on financially?
- Could I just call up my film friend Amy in L.A. and start doing sweet P.A. work on real productions? (but seriously…)
- Portland…should I move to Portland?
- Let’s double check the work schedule to make sure I’m not double-booked anywhere. OH SHIT! I’m double-booked! Stop everything! (and one quick text and this is resolved in two minutes and did not even warrant a heightened heart rate)
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