These days, when I consider my chaotic mind, I attribute it more to being autistic than being human. Always, in the past I have spoken of the disabling commentary running through my mind and asked, “Does anybody else know how I feel?” and invariably people would chime in that yes, of course they know what I mean.
Now I’m wondering, who of you out there do NOT know what I mean? By you, I mean the presumed “neurotypicals.” Do you exist and who are you? Yes. Seriously. I think I’ve been surrounded by Aspies my entire life and wouldn’t know neurotypical if it bit me in the ass, but I suspect that some of you are actually well-functioning adults. So if you are willing, humor me for a second and read through a sample list of things that go through my mind on one of my “typical days” (and remember that this is going on 24/7 in my brain, and not just once in a while when I have too much caffeine) and let me know if you do not have this type of nonsense rattling around in your mind, and you have no idea what it would be like.
You know…for science, and because it’s cheaper than consulting a psychologist, which is something I plan on doing when I can stop being autistic for a second…which isn’t likely to happen any time soon because grad season is about to start and I never quite have enough spoons for that as it is…
I digress, yet I also prove my point. So, things I have worried about/obsessed over/felt generalized anxiety over TODAY include (well, technically yesterday because it’s now 4am and GOD DAMN IT. This is what I’m talking about. This obsessive attention to detail and need for specificity that drives everyone else BONKERS.)
Also:
- What is going to happen to the kittens that my therapist found under her shed?
- Is my boyfriend’s cat diabetic?
- I haven’t seen random girl from the gym come in with who I assume to be her boyfriend, in awhile. Maybe I should ask her about him so I can give her a pep talk about how hot she is and tell her that she could pick up any guy she wants, because you know, that wouldn’t be awkward at all.
- Does random dude man at the gym find me attractive?
- Does random hot chick at the gym think I’m a doofus?
- Do people assume I’m an idiot when I’m up front about my shortcomings like when I just explain to customers that my short term memory is actually so shitty that they need to remind me to see if the tanning bed ever became available, because SHINY THING.
- What the serious fuck is going to happen in this country if Trump wins the general election?
- How can anyone in the world confuse a transexual with a pervert? People undergoing that dramatic of a personal transformation have got what’s going on with THEMSELVES on their mind, obviously. These are not the people to be feared.
- How is this planet going to heal itself in time for our survival if we don’t do anything en masse to help it along?
- Will I be able to muster up the willpower to brave the grocery store before I start running on a more horrific calorie depletion than I did today?
- Will I ever be able to save up a down payment on a house if I don’t have a man to rely on financially?
- Could I just call up my film friend Amy in L.A. and start doing sweet P.A. work on real productions? (but seriously…)
- Portland…should I move to Portland?
- Let’s double check the work schedule to make sure I’m not double-booked anywhere. OH SHIT! I’m double-booked! Stop everything! (and one quick text and this is resolved in two minutes and did not even warrant a heightened heart rate)
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