So I Think I Have Asperger’s

     After two and a half years in counseling, I think I have finally come to that pivotal moment where I find the root cause of everything…my meltdowns, my aversion to social situations, my bounciness when I’m happy, my rage attacks, my sing songy voice when I’m in a good mood, my feelings of isolation that have persisted until the recent past, my feeling of otherness, of somehow being different, my failure to find a job that pays me what I’m worth even though I have been told a bazillion times that I’m a brilliant girl, even my hatred of Wal-Mart…EVERYTHING.  If you factor Asperger’s into the equation, everything makes sense and falls into a perfect framework that predicts the current life trajectory that I’m on.  It predicts my clinginess to my partners, my lack of girlfriends (yes, I have managed to find a few, but they were diamonds in the rough), and perhaps even explains why M’s betrayal had such a drastic impact on me. 

     I remember as a kid being instructed to say “please” and “thank you,” but I also remember feeling like they were useless words, and why bother saying them if you didn’t mean it?  I never have really thought of myself as being ego-centric, but I do know that I have a tendency to turn all conversations back to myself and that I have a super difficult time being a good listener.  In fact, I was practicing my empathy skills with M.  Over and over I would visualize myself in his position to see how I would feel if I had just gotten out of a relationship, etc. etc.  In fact, I was getting good at empathy.  I was really proud of it.  And then I found out that M was preying on it (oh irony!).  Obviously that shut me down for awhile.  It was just too mind boggling to be so empathetic to someone that was taking every advantage of that trait due to not having empathy himself.  Asperger’s also explains some of the tugs I felt at my heart when I was reading about Narcissism, as some of the traits sounded hauntingly like me.  For awhile I worried that perhaps I am also a Narcissist.  As it turns out, there is a slight narcissistic component to Asperger’s in that Aspies similarly have trouble with empathy and being overly preoccupied with “self.” 

     As with any psychotherapy breakthrough, there is a component of relief but also of worry and anxiety.  There is also a sense of being “broken” and “abnormal.”  I have come to terms with being a weirdo.  In fact, I embrace it and take no efforts to hide it.  I am what I am, take it or leave it.  But there is something about being classified as on the autism spectrum that smacks of disability.  But in a way, I am disabled.  When people become hostile with me, I lose the ability to speak.  More than once this has been the cause of great irritation on the other end of the phone line at work, but when people shout ridiculous angry things at me, I cannot even think of words to say.  I sort of space out.  And I space out A LOT.  I daydream while reading books, watching movies, playing games, building puzzles, or just staring at a wall.  It makes sitting through lecture classes super difficult.  It makes reading homework super difficult.  It makes listening to my boyfriend super difficult.  But I try, and I can. 

     I feel like things have come full circle as I now research my own diagnosis as thoroughly as I researched M’s.  I’m hoping what I learn will help bring some closure to that whole debacle.  I’m beginning to have an inkling of why my interactions with him damaged me so deeply in relation to Asperger’s. 

     I am also realizing that every facet of my personality that drove my ex fiancé nuts were Asperger’s traits.  He accused me of speaking to him as if he were a child, when in reality I was just speaking in a childlike voice.  He hated my bounciness when I got excited, couldn’t understand my depressions and my aversion to noisy bars, and thought I was an artsy fartsy space cadet.  He was most likely a neurotypical alcoholic, making our relationship a rocky one. 

     For now I plan to start gathering information on how to receive a formal diagnosis by a specialist just to put my own mind to rest, and perhaps see if there is any counseling or support framework in place for Asperger’s people.  I think with Paxil and learning more about this condition I can start making some headway into adulthood finally.