So, I wrote the prior blog entry a little over a month ago, and just re-read it before posting it. My own words are haunting me. M has indeed found more ways to show up in my life. I ran into him at a show when I tried to go on a date with my boyfriend, and just over a week ago, he made an appearance at one of my boyfriend’s band’s shows. Now, I’m pretty sure M knows he is not welcome around my boyfriend and I, as we have made it abundantly clear, yet here he was, waltzing into my life yet again. My boyfriend is about to leave town for a month when his band goes on tour, and I have been trying to squeeze in every spare minute with him before we are separated. On this particular night, M was particularly unwelcome. I made up my mind to plead with him to leave. I marched right up and said “My boyfriend is about to go on tour for five weeks and I would like to spend this evening with him without being bothered by your presence.” Unbeknownst to me, MK, M’s “new” girlfriend was standing right behind him with her back toward me. Upon hearing my request, she spun around with a look of pure hatred in her eyes and announced to me rather loudly that “THIS IS A FREE BAR AND WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE.” Now, I had not spoken to her or about her, nor had I said that they did not have a right to be there. I told M why I wanted him to leave and ask that he vacate the premises out of any shred of human decency he may have. Of course his response was to parrot MK, “WE DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE. THIS IS A FREE BAR!” She was merely quoting his words anyway…this is the exact same response he gives me EVERY time I run into him and ask if he would please leave me in peace for the evening. At this point MK is taking a physically aggressive stance and getting in my face while I’m still in shock that she’s even there. I had not even seen her.
This is where things get a little fuzzy. I had been practicing in my head about calling M a rapist to his face for the past few days and for some reason, I thought this was the proper venue to try it out. I think he asked me what my problem was, or something like that and I responded, rather loudly that I was so pissed off because he had raped me. MK loses it and calls me a “bad feminist” while M is shouting at me that by using the word “rape” I am belittling the experience of people who actually were raped. I told him to his face that I had consented to being led to his bed under false pretense and that renders any perceived consent VOID. All the while, MK is shouting to the bartender at the top of her lungs “THIS CRAZY BITCH CALLED MY BOYFRIEND A RAPIST!!!” over and over. I guess this is run of the mill Saturday night bar stuff, because no one paid her any mind.
I very much feel raped. I was conned, verbally abused, manipulated, and yes raped by this monster. I have come to believe his entire targeting of me was pre-meditated. I have been remembering some words of his about how after he had met me for the very first time (2 years prior to us dating) he had seen me driving along the road and he had a premonition that someday we would be together. I believe in this instance, that he took the hands of fate and forced them, knowing full well in advance what my fate would be: either be a part time fling to fill the time between his primary partners, or I would graduate to being a primary partner if I sacrificed enough…and if I blinded myself to his abuse.
By MK’s uncharacteristically violent reaction to me, I can only imagine that M’s words have worked their poison on her. I have never spoken to this woman before in my life, yet in our first interaction, she looked at me with such hatred that I cannot begin to imagine what she must believe of me. Yet in my heart I know. She most likely believes that every time M cheats, every time he lies, every time he is afraid to commit, it is because of me hurting him…or of A hurting him…or his prior ex-girlfriend. With M, it is always some woman’s fault. He blames all the abuse he bestows on his lovers on his ex lovers. I am reminded of how M had twisted my thoughts of his exes and of A. I wanted to hate A so bad after the things he told me, but somehow her truth shone through and I knew I could trust her. M would tell me horror stories of his “recent ex” (when really they were still together). I believe he sensed that she was about to leave him and was looking for a replacement. Sure enough, she dumped him just a few months after he met me and from there he couldn’t decide whether A or I would put up with the most bullshit. So he tried us both out for awhile. I guess she got too demanding, because he was about to dump her and take me on as his full time abuse victim. Right before this switch was to take place, I found him out and sabotaged both his potential primary partners. I’m not sure if he already had MK in his sights before A and I both dumped him, but with a few weeks, I was seeing them together on the regular. Yet mutual friends are just now finding out that they are dating after 2 years. Apparently nobody talks about it. Yet another haunting familiarity.
After my boyfriend came up behind me and sternly stated to M “You are not welcome here,” M agreed to leave. MK stayed behind and M retreated to the parking lot, where I almost ran into him AGAIN when I was just trying to get some fresh air to reset my emotional state. The rest of the evening, I made sure not to be alone around MK, because I felt afraid that she might attack me. Our mutual friends assure me that she is a peaceful, kind girl, but that night she was intense. I am very familiar with that sickeningly intense hatred. I felt it for everyone M demonized. And he demonizes most of the women in his life. In his world there are only evil seductresses, not human beings with feelings.
He always played up to my Scorpio traits. He’d flatter my Scorpio sexual dominancy, he’d flatter my shrewd intellect, he’d always comment on my “sexual magnetism” and chastise my Scorpio jealousy and manipulativeness. He told me that I was the only woman he ever wanted to have children with and pretended to share in my fascination with having tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed elven babies. This is how he raped me. He seduced me to bed with promises he never meant to fulfill, with lies that he created JUST TO SEDUCE ME, and then denies that we were even dating. All he ever wanted from me was for me to be at his beck and call…to sacrifice everything, including myself, in the worship of him.
So today, I went in search of an injunction for protection (restraining order). I met with a lawyer for a $300 consultation and was told that I do not have a chance of winning an injunction unless I have been stabbed ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS, threatened with physical violence, or if M begins to follow me all over town. The only thing I want is for him not to be permitted at my school or my or my boyfriend’s places of work.
Once again, I am shuffled out of a door being told that I must “continue to work with a counselor” and find some way to heal “this” inside myself. Obviously whatever “this” is, is still bleeding profusely and while my inner Buddha understands the idea of healing through spiritual work (albeit in a very superficial way), my wounded, bleeding inner self is screaming with anger that abusing someone this way is deemed acceptable by Florida law. I have had my jobs, my sanity, my ability to have loving relationships, my sexuality, my self-esteem, my inner peace, my health, and my ability to trust my intuition completely sabotaged by this sick person. Yet this is “ok” and definitely does not warrant a restraining order.
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