A Child Masquerading as an Enlightened Adult

April 4, 2012

Dear M,

     It has now been a week and a half since I came back from Springfest.  It seems like it has been ages.  The first time you came over, I avoided looking into your eyes most of the night.  We made love in the dark and I regretted not being able to see your face.

     I started to make a point of looking into your eyes while we conversed.  I began to lose myself in them. 

     I have been in love plenty of times before, but never quite like this.  Our souls harmonize every single time we touch.  When we make love, I can’t tell where my body stops and yours begins.  Our breathing aligns and it feels as if we are sharing a body in a euphoric dance.  I left the light on in the hall last night so I could look into your eyes as our bodies melted into each other.  I was overwhelmed as I realized exactly how hard I have fallen for you.  I desperately hope you feel the same way about me. 

     I can’t tell if they way you act towards me is just your generally open and friendly personality or if it reflects your feelings for me.  I often get the sense that it is not just me that felt the entire world shift when we met.  This has been the best month of my life.  I have been sound of mind, body, and spirit with unparalleled amounts of vigor and confidence.  Becoming your lover at this moment in time has given me the biggest rush of vitality I have ever felt.  You have such beautiful energy about you.  I want to bathe in your light.  You unleash a passion in me that I thought was long dead.  You reflect the good in me.  You complete me.

***

     Lo, another reference to reflections!  This letter succinctly describes the feeling of falling in love with a Narcissist.  It was intense, passionate, and unlike anything I have ever experienced before.  It negated the validity of all of my previous love affairs because THIS was the soul mate I had been waiting for.  Suddenly it was perfectly fine that my fiancé dumped me years ago and I had been single ever since, because THIS was who I was meant to be with.  I felt I had put in my time learning to love myself and this was my karmic reward for achieving self actualization. 

     For me, M. represented all the things I longed to be.  I thought he was very spiritual and self-aware.  He claimed to be anti-judgment and jealousy, things that I struggle with.  He was a musician, albeit not performing very often. 

     Over time, I began to see cracks in this facade.  I discovered that his spirituality, rather than being a belief system of beauty and appreciation of all life, was more of a bastardization of occult thinking.  He believed he could achieve spiritual and psychological enlightenment through the recreational use of drugs, creating altars to Dionysus, making voodoo dolls which he masturbated on, using his partners for sex magick rituals, and participating in an occult church that believes that doing whatever you want with seemingly no regard to consequence is the supreme meaning of life (and of course orgies are somehow involved in their dogma). 

     I found his self awareness to be limited to pity plays that were designed to negate my ability to call him out on any of his behavior, because all of his silent treatments, flakiness, never making time for me, never spending the night after having sex with me, etc. was all written off as a result of his ex treating him poorly.  He was still “grieving” and it sometimes caused him to act out, and of course he was sorry that it was negatively affecting me but he was not able to do anything about it because he was in so much emotional pain.

     His judgment free and anti-jealousy stance was a laugh, because after a month or two of idealizing his newest victim, he changes the game to “pointing out all the reasons why she is inadequate and why he must leave.”  As for jealousy, he is as jealous as it comes.  The only jealousy he DOESN’T have room for in his life, is the jealousy of all the girls he is using in his triangulation games.  Why are they jealous of each other?  Because he is setting them up in such a way to play them against one another…constantly.

     Basically, what I was seeing was a child’s attempt at seeming spiritually awakened and in touch with his fellow humans.  I saw his feeble attempts and projected my own understanding of spirituality and human compassion onto him.  This is why I saw him “reflect the good in me.”  All I was seeing was a reflection of myself in him, based on his use of a few keywords.  Whenever I heard him talk at any length on these subjects, his monstrous and childish misinterpretations became apparent. 

     Unfortunately, I have come to believe that our sexual connection operated in a similar way.  I think he knew what I wanted in the bedroom and did his best to replicate it.  I bought into this fake spiritual connection and opened my body and soul to him in a way I had never before with any previous partner.  I trusted him completely.  When I discovered he was carrying on this same masquerade with multiple women, it hurt me in such a way that I can only describe as emotional rape.  I would have never let my defenses down that far with him had he been honest and straightforward about his intentions and actions. 

     I can not claim that he cheated on me in the traditional sense since we were never in a committed relationship, but his manufacturing of a psychological and sexual persona that was custom designed to reel me in as deeply as possible while creating different personas for all of the other girls he was trying to manipulate was an emotional treason far surpassing some casual sex on the side.