Lost at Sea

     When dealing with a narcissist, it’s as if you are standing on the deck of a lurching boat.  The ground itself becomes unstable as you constantly try to reorient yourself to an ever-shifting horizon. 

      I met M. almost two years ago.  I instantly knew that there was something special about him.  Almost immediately after we started dating, I began composing letters to him in a journal, hoping to chronicle what I believed would become the most life-changing relationship of my life.  In a sense, (albeit, not the sense I was anticipating) I was absolutely correct.  Being involved with a narcissist has easily been the most traumatic and life-altering event in my 32 years on this planet. 

     As I continued writing, my letters to M. became confused, sad, panicked, and then angry and hateful as I began to understand the clinical definition of narcissism and see him for what he truly is, rather than by the distorted reflection of myself he was pretending to be. 

    My intent here is to reproduce the letters in their original form, and follow them with a present day deconstruction of them based on my current understanding of events and the nature of this personality disorder in an attempt to regain my footing on solid ground.