No Turning Back

March 2, 2013

M,

     The other day I told you I would feel calm for a week or so, but that no longer seems to be true.  I used to be able to buy into your words and seek comfort in them, but this time I realized that the very words you were trying to comfort me with are the very same ones you used on me last time, right before you met A and for the duration of time you were dating her.  Those words have begun to sound hollow and over used.  It has been almost three months and my heart still feels raw.  The most random things will trigger me.  I attended a crystal bowl meditation at the yoga studio the other night.  I didn’t really know what to expect.  When he started sounding the bowl linked to the root chakra, I was astounded by the penetration of the sound into my body and mind, the way it filled the entire space leaving no room for anything else.  My body panicked as I sat cross-legged with my back rigid against the wall and my head pressing back into its firmness.  Chest heaving, I sobbed silently with my eyes closed, my posture constant.  I had a tremendous urge to flee but at the same time I was paralyzed.  As soon as the sound ceased, my mind instantly calmed.  None of the other bowls had that effect.  Today however, I ran into A and was fine.

     Later I went to a play about love and it felt like every other scene was wrenching my heart around.  I could feel the heart break of every character, the unrequited love.  It’s exhausting to watch a play like that.  The happy ending even caused me pain.  I wasn’t happy when the lead character looked to be the only one ending up sad and alone, but at least I had company for a moment. 

***

     I recently was reading about the way that Narcissists bond their victims.  To paraphrase: the Narcissist will create a fear environment by hinting at abandonment as they emotionally detach and distance themselves from the victim after an intense love bombing stage.  They will then periodically swoop back in and use sex and flattery to calm the victim down.  The endorphins released by sex create a sense of peace and well-being in the victim, taking the place of their normal fear state that has been cultivated by the Narcissist.  Therefore, the victim comes to equate the Narcissist, their abuser, with peace and well-being even though quite the opposite is true.  I think this is what I was referring to in the first few sentences of this letter.  I would always turn to M when I was feeling at wit’s end, after weeks of being blown off by him.  During these conversations, M would go back to flattering me, telling me how much he had missed me and how special our connection was.  All the days of him avoiding me would dissipate into thin air as I let myself be calmed by his empty words.  After I learned the truth of his other relationship, he would still try and calm me down using the same lines about how he was single and just learning to be alone (even though I kept seeing him out with a new girl time and time again).  Now that I understood that he could say these things to me, straight-faced WHILE he had a girlfriend, I stopped being able to believe them.  He sounded so sincere as he reassured me of his commitment to bettering himself and his intention to seek counseling.  I had to tell myself again and again that these were the same things he had been saying in order to deceive me the first time.  I would be an idiot to believe them now.  Sure enough, over one year later, he is STILL always hanging out with that same new girl that he was so reluctant to acknowledge.  I bet if I asked him tomorrow, he would still deny that he was even dating her.  Part of me would still want to believe him.

     This realization was one of the biggest things that has allowed me to finally move on.  Once I realized that he would just feed lies to me, our interactions became completely meaningless.  The illusion of the soul mate had been irreparably shattered.  I had no choice but to see him as the shallow liar that he was.  I knew that by attempting to remain friends with him, I would only be giving him permission to continue lying to my face.  Every conversation with him left me in agony as the depth of his betrayal sunk in.  He had always lied to me.  I could not trust a single thing that had ever come out of his mouth.  Our friendship had been based on lies.  My love for him had been based on lies.  This man who I had thought to be my soul mate was someone I did not know at all. 

     At this point, I had begun attending group counseling sessions at the college.  I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about attending the first session as I was emotionally distraught over M,  and I did not think it would be fair to start things off by hysterically freaking out for an hour in front of college kids ten years younger than me.  I attended an emergency counseling session prior to the group meeting, where I was able to have my hyperventilating, sobbing freak-out so I could go to the first group meeting and calmly introduce myself like a non-crazy person.  The counselor was a middle-aged man I had never met before.  My regular counselor was in a session and this man was the one available for emergency needs.  He barely said a word as I poured out all my fears and insecurities, gasping for breath as I told him the whole horrible story about M.  In all honesty, I didn’t get much from that counselor, but that session did prevent me from going into hysterics at group, so it served its purpose.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt much crazier than I did in that counseling office.  Here I was, a grown woman, having an epic meltdown over a man.  One of the things I have learned through this entire ordeal is that human relationships are sacred and imperative to our well-being.  Betrayal is a huge deal and can rip a hole in one’s psyche.  To my knowledge, I had never been cheated on or otherwise betrayed in my past so all of this was new territory for me.  Additionally, in the time I had spent with M, he had managed down my expectations about what relationships should be like.  We only hung out once every two to three weeks and rarely spoke on the phone.  Most of our interactions were in the form of sexual text messages.  I kept telling myself that this was good enough and that I was glad to have all that time to myself so I could pursue my own goals.  In reality, I was starving for attention and becoming depressed from his lack of time for me. 

     I must say that it has been quite a relief to finally be able to watch movies and TV shows again without feeling every ounce of pain experienced by these fictional characters.  For the better part of a year, I just avoided watching anything but food and music documentaries, for fear that any dramas or romantic comedies would be too emotionally triggering.  I was in so much pain that I felt it best to avoid most media, including listening to music, for fear that it would trigger more pain.  I found that meditation music was the only genre that did not bring up jarring emotions.  Even classical music was too emotionally loaded.  I have always loved reading, both novels and non-fiction, but with the PTSD symptoms I was experiencing, my ability to concentrate was completely shattered.  I could not stay focused on the page.  Increasingly frustrated, I began dropping these activities out of my life rather than try and force myself to enjoy them.  This past week marks my first successful attempt to read a work of fiction for pleasure since the ordeal with M. began.  I was able to read two novels in a week, both with sad endings, and not be reduced to tears, nor forced to put it down prematurely due to an inability to concentrate.  This past weekend marks two years since the initial D&D (devaluation and discard), so this has been a long time coming.  It has felt very empowering to begin reintroducing activities that had meant so much to me in the past as I slowly heal and feel less triggered by them.