Overcoming Jealousy

January 20, 2013

M,

     I am still so angry at you.  I’m angry that you aren’t here spending this beautiful day with me.  I’m angry for all the beautiful days you spent with A.  I’m angry because I still believe she meant something more to you than I did.  I’m angry because I believe you were in love with her but not with me.  I’m angry because I believe you are still lying to me and favoring her.  I don’t know why you say such horrible things about her while continuing to spend time with her.  I’m mad that you had to break things off with her in person but you were content to cut me off via phone conversation.  This is the pill that’s hard to swallow.  I was ok being a once in awhile no-commitment friend if that is all you were capable of.  I never wanted to be on the side watching you give yourself more completely to another.  I’m mad that you won’t even let me make peace with you.  Your toxic words cut through my heart and your lies make it impossible for me to trust your apologies.  I’m angry that for months I have been pouring my heart out to you, and you listened silently, with a guilty conscience.  You lied to me about your past relationships, your job, your drug use, and God only knows what else.  I hate that I can’t trust you, you who I trusted so much…

***

     Reading over this letter, I can see exactly how twisted my thinking was about the entire thing.  I was still under the impression that he honestly cared about his girlfriend, rather than seeing that he was using us both.  Looking back, I can see how he was playing us against each other every step of the way, creating jealously and competition even during the process of discarding both of us.  I suppose he was trying to keep us fighting for him so he could salvage at least one of our addictions to him, ensuring continuous adoration and attention until he found a more submissive replacement.  Lord knows I was still trying to stay in love with him, but the rip in his mask was finally so large that I could no longer lie to myself.  I knew he was not someone I could keep in my life after what he had done to me, yet I was still so addicted to the illusion of him as my soul mate.

     The past year has been a long process of reading and learning about Narcissists and how they are not capable of loving anyone, not even themselves.  Though they appear to be holding themselves in high regard, they are in fact creating an illusion for their adoring public to buy into, providing them with the worship they crave.  I’ve come to the conclusion that this was the only value A and I ever had to him, and that he did not love either of us more than the other.  In reality, he loved neither of us, even though he had said those words to her. 

     A and I tried to form a coalition against him, using our combined forces to see through all the bullshit he had been feeding us, but eventually M fed us so much poison against each other that we had to split ways.  He was making us both fear he was going to go back to the other, planting seeds of doubt in our minds.  She was convinced that M was dumping her so he could come back to me, and I was convinced that he was madly in love with her and mad at me for ruining their relationship.  Every interaction was tainted with doubt and suspicion.  I was haunted both day and night as I began even having nightmares about them getting back together. 

     Today, I believe the illusion has finally disintegrated completely.  When I think of M’s face, I no longer see my soul mate.  I see a sick and twisted individual with his mind bent on manipulating people and always having one-up on everyone around him.  It sickens me to realize that there are people out there that play with hearts the way others play a hand of poker, but that realization has helped me fine tune my ability to read people.  I believe I can now spot someone with ill intention about a mile away, and while my guard may be at an all time high, I can’t believe that this is a bad thing now that I understand how deeply destructive these toxic people can be. 

     I suppose I’m still pretty angry, but not because I believe he loved her more.  I’m angry that he would go to such extremes to keep me at arm’s length, knowing that he was just using me as a girl on the side while he emotionally tortured and abused his girlfriend.  I’m angry that I was a tool to make her jealous.  I’m angry that she was a tool to feed his ego.  I’m angry at how docilely I played right into his hand time and time again.  I’m angry at how steeped in drama and chaos everything turned out to be when I pride myself on being such an honest and straightforward person.  I’m especially angry at how angry I was for such a long time after finding out the truth.  Anger becomes damaging when it’s held onto for such a long time, and I was overflowing with so much anger for months after discovering the truth.  It took its toll on my body, my brain, and my heart. 

     I had written this letter while laying in the grass in front of the music stage at the Scottish Highland Games.  It was a gorgeous day outside, and I was daydreaming about what it would be like if he had been there next to me on my blanket, sharing the experience.  So often he had let me down, making excuses for why he could never do things with me.  I never could understand how someone who claimed to like me so much could never have time to be with me.  Nowadays, I have been spending my time with someone who says he loves me AND wants to be an active participant in my life.  It feels every bit as amazing as I imagined it would to lay in the sun together, not wondering when and if I will ever see him again, not worrying that he’ll be going off alone to a party later that night so he can flirt with all his lady friends as a “single” man.  It feels really awesome to be respected and loved for a change.