The Final Discard

April 29, 2012

Dear M,

     Tomorrow is a big day for you and I can see how your life is about to change drastically.  More than anything I hope to accompany you on this next leg of your journey.  I can see how much your life is currently in upheaval and I can’t wait to see what it resembles once you seize it and make it truly your own. 

***

     Judging by the length of this letter, I can see that this is when my faith became truly shaken.  No longer could I write pages, pouring out my love in words.  M. was quickly receding from my life.  He kept telling me how stressed out he was with a major career shift on the horizon, but would push me away every time I tried to offer support.  I continued extending invitations to him to be a part of my life, he continued to decline them.  At the very end, I invited him out to a dance party at a local bar.  He arrived with his married, female friend.  He spent the entire night at the back of the bar conversing with her and ignoring me.  I invited him to come home with me but he declined, stating that he didn’t want to go home with anyone.  As proof, he offered the example of how he turned down his married friend THAT VERY NIGHT who also wanted him to come home with her.  At the time, everything about that statement bothered me, but only recently have understood the details of why.  At the time I only interpreted it as his married friend being a bad wife, and making an inappropriate comment.  She is my physical opposite in every way, so I felt in no way could he have even have been tempted by the idea.  Knowing what I know now, I see a couple possible scenarios, neither one better than the other:

     1) Perhaps she said it, and on any other day he would have but was feeling crappy so declined on this particular night.  (Which would also imply that this has happened before.)

     2) Perhaps he made the whole thing up to make me jealous. 

     The only possible reason he could have had for telling me (regardless of its accuracy) was to make me jealous, which strangely wasn’t my reaction, being as I thought he’d never even entertain the thought of sleeping with that woman.  But now I understand that physical attraction has nothing to do with a Narcissist’s game.  It’s all about who he can manipulate and trick.  He wants people that will follow and worship him to the ends of the Earth, and from what I understand, this particular friend fits the bill.  She puts up with and seems to encourage his shitty behavior, and I see her as his wing girl for all of his triangulation games with every new girl he comes in contact with.  Not only that, but it has come to my recent attention that she is actually his ex girlfriend.  Who brings their ex girlfriend on a date?!?! 

     This was the last letter I wrote before the grand finale of our “relationship”.  M. pretty much avoided me through May and June, and at the very end of June, the night before I left town to go to my cousin’s wedding, he came over to my house to break it off.  He told me that we obviously want different things and that he can’t be what I need, etc. etc.  He emphasized how he just got out of a relationship and that I was obviously trying to coerce him into another one.  He spoke about my “manipulations” where I use alcohol as a truth serum to get him to talk about his past.  He criticized my jealousy, my neediness.  He abruptly ended the conversation, telling me we would continue it another time.

     I went on my trip, devastated.  Within one week, he had a photo on Facebook, of himself, taken by a new girl.  He is looking at her with such open and loving eyes.  He looks as if he adores her.  It is the same look he has been using on me for the past four months.  The photo was posted in the morning and his hair looks mussed as if he has been sleeping.  It seems obvious that they had spent the night together.  My heart ripped in two.  I stopped eating.  I ended up spending a good portion of the wedding locked in a bathroom stall crying my eyes out.

     A few days later, another photo.  Now they are clothes shopping together at a thrift store (wtf, he wears the same black t-shirt every day of his life).  Again, she is the photographer and he is the subject.  Looking back, I can see the gaudy yellow jacket he is wearing is indicative of the funky style of A. (his new conquest).  The caption reads “yes and yes” meaning yes to the man and yes to the jacket.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He didn’t even need to say a word to make me sick and jealous, she was doing all the work for him…and she had no idea.

     I knew she had no idea about me.  The entire time M. and I were together, there were no pictures, no Facebook communication, nothing at all public.  Since M. was not willing to acknowledge me as a girlfriend, it seemed like it would push him even further away for me to be taking those types of liberties.  My more vindictive side laughed at A’s public enthusiasm about spending time with M.  It seemed obvious to me that she would for sure try to coerce him into a relationship if she was already publicly claiming him via Facebook photos.  I figured it would be only a matter of time before M. realized his mistake and realized how special what he had with me was.  I had essentially spent four months with him as his lover and had only asked if he ever saw himself being my boyfriend.  I never once demanded that we make things official. 

     I was trying to let it go.  He didn’t want me.  He had rejected me.  I needed to move on.  I came home from vacation and went into a deep depression.  I still couldn’t eat.  I spent most of my days in bed.  Occasionally I sent him texts letting him know how bad I was feeling.  He responded by telling me I needed to let go.  I tried to go no contact, but he and I couldn’t seem to go past 5 days without contacting each other. 

     When I was finally on the verge of passing that 5 day mark of no communication, I received the text “It feels wrong to go so long.”  I responded, but I received no message in return.